Entry 5 – November 24, 2024
Yesterday it snowed, even though it also seems like yesterday was September. The leaves changed and fell without my attention. My attention being focused solely on Ryan’s recovery for the past two months.
After all these weeks he’s finally walking without pain and beginning to regain his independence. I couldn’t be more grateful.
It’s crazy how much I’ve taken for granted over the years. How many things I should have been thankful for at the time. How often I didn’t say things that were important because I thought that it would be impolite. How much I stifled myself to fit what I thought others wanted to see and how much I beat myself down when I didn’t fulfill that expectation.
I’ve never considered myself weak, so telling me I’m strong is essentially telling me my name is Erica. That’s a given. Strength is not what’s required here anyway. It’s honesty and the ability to speak up when something isn’t right.
Ryan shouldn’t have had to be readmitted to the hospital last month. The doctors should have listened to him the first time and they probably would’ve found the infection in his spine. We should have pushed harder for the PICC line the first visit. But we thought “doctors know best.”
That isn’t always the case, as much as we all like to think so. Doctors and healthcare professionals are humans with human bodies and brains. They make human mistakes.
Humans make mistakes. It’s what we do. It’s how we learn and grow. Sometimes those mistakes don’t really affect us all that much and other times they can lead to the most detrimental consequences. The worst part is that sometimes you don’t really know when choices are bad from the start. You could trust your gut, but sometimes those instincts seem wrong. You gaslight yourself into believing you’re wrong.
For anyone who has had the fortune to read my book “Hello There, Kris Peraldo,” you know that I’ve seen my share of narcissistic behaviors. I’ve villainized myself. Treated myself with distrust and disrespect. I neglected my needs and pushed away so many people because I didn’t think they wanted to hear me repeat myself over and over again.
But if I’ve learned anything, I’ve learned that friends don’t abandon you when you’re at your lowest. They may step away and give you space, but real friends will always have your back. Even when you’re being stupid and selfish. And especially when you’ve finally learned what a terrible mistake your ex was and you need a bottle of wine, Adele, and girl talk to celebrate losing 190lbs of dead weight.
The moral here is that I’m grateful that the mistakes that were made weren’t fatal. I’m happy that I get to spend another year on this side of the ground with my husband. I’m thankful for everything that has happened this year – good, bad, and ugly.
All this shit only makes me want to live my life and love every second I get to spend on this earth.