Entry 8 – February 17, 2025

Dishonesty is the fashion of humanity. 

All human relationships have some level of dishonesty that binds them. I’ve noticed many of my friends and colleagues are in marriages that are dishonest. I’ve seen countless people hurt one another because they couldn’t even be bothered to be honest with themselves. There is a system that is crashing around us because a good number of people refuse to be honest with themselves about what is actually happening.

I have been dishonest with myself for a long time and the only thing that I learned from it was that dishonesty hurts worse than the truth. 

When I started these blog posts I was not in a good place. I don’t necessarily know that I’m in a better place now, only that it’s a little different. Ryan is almost completely recovered from the osteomyelitis. Later this week he will have his heart surgery. I might lose him to this and I’m terrified.

Over the past few months I have felt small and helpless to the ever changing current. It’s only a coincidence that the floods that have ravaged Appalachia recently occurred so close to major life events, but I can’t help but feel like the universe is testing my willingness to be alone. No, my beloved, I will not back down and return to those who would rather shame me into compliance than see me shine brighter than them.

My heart is telling me that everything will be okay, but my mind knows this may go awry.

Yesterday, I competed. Today, I sit alone in a cold apartment waiting for time to pass so I know that everything will be okay. So that I know tomorrow I will still have Ryan. Maybe this surgery will buy us a few more years. I’ll spend the next few days waiting anxiously. I will take the time I have with him. I will live in these moments. 

If this doesn’t work out, I fear I will break and there will be no more of the person you love. I don’t know if I can do this again. The consolation is that at least he knows I love him. 

I need to push these negative thoughts away and stop borrowing worries. Everything is okay right now. Even if things are completely different in a few days, I have now. I have him right now and that’s important. I’m so very lucky to have had so many years being loved by someone more obsessed with me than my cat. (And if you know my cat you know what I mean.) Everything will be fine. Right? Yeah. Yes. I have to believe that. It’ll all work out. He will be fine.

Regardless of anything, I have to believe that love and hope can withstand all storms.

I started this entry a few weeks ago thinking about the lies we tell ourselves and the lies we choose to believe because they comfort us. We, as humans, hide in our delusions of what we expect life to be. Telling ourselves that things should be certain ways because we somehow deserve things to be however we think they should be. We lie to ourselves all the time pretending to be happy or in happy relationships. We tell ourselves that we like certain things or habits. We become accustomed to low standards and mediocrity. I don’t really know why the world weighs us down so much as we grow older, but that’s when it seems to get worse.

Remember when we were kids and even the bad things seemed interesting because they were new? Do you remember having irrational fears because you weren’t quite sure how the world worked just yet? Did you ever have trouble sleeping because of the monsters in your closet or under your bed? Or worse, did you sleep soundly because the monsters decided to leave the house for a little while? I have trouble sleeping because I’m still certain the monsters read my blog and want to punish me for it. I know that they’ll read this, assume I’m talking about them, and become irrationally angry at me rather than ask themselves why I used the terms I do.

The monsters never ask why you’d rather be alone than spend time with them because they already know the answer. The longer it takes you to be honest with yourself, the harder it is to break the patterns that keep you in a loop of dishonesty. It’s easier to control people who actively lie to themselves, because you’re doing the villain’s work for free.

Be curious. Be honest. Be hopeful. Think of me fondly.